i am enough

For a  time in  high school, I lived out of my car. I couch surfed and kept some of my stuff in the Vice Principal’s office. He let me spend my first period every morning to make sure I ate and had my school counselor call me in too. Though I had support, it was embarrassing as hell, especially going to a private school. This was when I started to believe I wasn’t good enough. 

I squeaked by with graduation and had two things to lean on: my aunt and uncle who took me in and my boyfriend.  But the depression set in and I gained a ton of weight. So much weight that my boyfriend starts cheating on me…openly. I’m too pitiful to leave but I’m also not skinny how he likes them. He eventually breaks up with me because I don’t look good enough. 

It’s an avalanche of shit. I dropped out of college within my first month there. So, I take a break and enroll in my local community college. And it feels like a joke to be there. I go through the motions not really learning anything and move on to get my Bachelor’s Degree and M.B.A. Yet, because of my path, I tell myself I’m not smart enough.  

I entered the corporate startup world, with my two degrees and depression in tow, and was ripe for the toxic work environments. I’m told, in writing, that I am worthless. I’m not good enough, I dont look good enough, I’m not smart enough… and  now, I’m not successful enough.

That fueled me.I was obsessed with climbing up the corporate ladder. I ignored my relationships with people, and really myself. So I ignored my health. I burnt out and my health declined drastically. I was pushing myself to do Spartan races knowing and feeling like I wasn’t healthy enough. People tried to talk me out of them. And eventually my brain couldn’t connect to my organs so it was infection after infection. It became extreme enough to require a neuro pacemaker..  So now my body isn’t enough. 

But, luckily for me, there were complications with the surgery.I spent years in pain and sham because it shouldnt be this way . I couldn’t walk or do anything on my own. Mountain of medical bills. Picture me working my full time job, while laying on my stomach the whole time. Then comes the  cherry on top. My doctors said I may not walk on my own again. And that it was my fault for staying on bedrest. So now I didn’t do enough. 

So to recap, I was failing at work, relationships, and health. So pretty much I was failing at life, or at least that’s what I was telling myself. 

Then, 2023 was around the corner and I decided that I had enough.I wasn’t going to lose another year of my life. And though it’s pretty extreme and swift: I removed the pacemaker and left my job and corporate America within the space of 2 weeks. It was one of the first times I can remember where I said how things would go. So that I could learn what was enough for me.

And it took me 16 years to get here, but I finally feel like I am enough.